Meaning-Making

Dear Courageous Soul,

From the moment we learn that our loved one has died by suicide, we begin a lifelong process of meaning-making. In the days, months, and years that follow, we move through waves of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual responses as we gradually learn to carry the reality of the loss. Making meaning of our sudden loss helps restore balance to our experience. Restoring balance does not mean forgetting or "getting over" the death. Rather, it is the slow and compassionate process of integrating the loss into our lives and finding a way to move forward with both grief and love.

I wrote the following poem after a night terror. Maybe you are familiar with those nightmare dreams that jolt you awake in the middle of the night. I tried pacing, cried, and turned on the lights. I wasn't ready to meditate myself back to sleep. Writing about my dream as a poem became therapy for my heart, allowing me to settle enough to return to sleep.

Externalizing the grief experience helps the mourning process move forward. Poetry comes to me from time to time, and this time I simply let it flow onto the page.

It has been eight years since I lost my mother and son. After writing this poem, I noticed that it reflects both meaning-making and progress in my grief journey. A mother never gets over the loss of a child; she learns to carry it. The grief returns occasionally—or sometimes often—in what is called "grief bursts"— sudden, intense waves of sadness and emotional pain that seem to come out of nowhere.

A grief burst may happen while walking through the grocery store and noticing a favorite food your loved one enjoyed. It may be awakened by a familiar scent, a song on the radio, a holiday, or an ordinary moment that unexpectedly reconnects you to your person.

Over time, meaning-making transforms grief into something we can live with. As I wrote this poem, I began by describing the dream itself and the emotions connected to its imagery. As memories surfaced, I included them. Almost without realizing it, I began to counter the fear and guilt with the lessons and skills I have learned along the way.

If you are on a grief journey of your own, I encourage you to express your inner experience through whatever creative means speaks to you. This particular night needed a poem. Other times, grief bursts may ask for colors, images, movement, music, or quiet reflection.

Songwriters write songs. Artists create images. Writers tell stories. We each find our own way to give shape to the pain and make meaning from the intense emotional experience of suicide grief.

With compassion and acceptance for yourself and your journey,

Grief is the Measure of Love

It's 2:30 AM,
I wake in terror,
"Where is he?"

I can't find him,
It's my fault,
My responsibility.

Others are around,
They seem unbothered,
Without emotion.

I'm holding it all,
Alone in my terror,
It's my responsibility.

My mother said,
"You have one job:
Keep them alive."

My dear sweet son,
Please forgive me,
I couldn't save you.

I couldn't do my job,
Keep you alive,
I lost you.

I did my best,
Tried my hardest,
It wasn't enough.

You were my teacher,
I watched you love,
Babies were your favorite.

Your heart was big,
Your emotions fragile,
Your intuition otherworldly.

You had to go,
One last lesson offered:
Grief is the measure of love.

My love for you is vast,
I know that's truth,
Because grief reminds me.

How dare I believe
I'm the only one,
The only one responsible.

As if my love alone,
Could have kept you here,
That isn't the truth.

You belonged to others,
They share this loss,
They share the burden.

I'm not superhuman,
I'm not solely responsible,
I never was.

Maybe, with you,
We made an agreement,
You would teach me.

The hardest lesson of all,
To lose my beautiful boy,
And discover the depth of love.

Love, Mom

If you feel drawn to learning more and processing your meaning-making journey, I would be honored to walk beside you for a while as you navigate the wilderness of your suicide loss. Schedule a Conversation

Park, C.L. (2002). Meaning Making Following Trauma. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, Article 830992. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.844891/full

Wolfelt, A. D. (2025, May 5). Ask Dr. Wolfelt: Are "griefbursts" normal? Center for Loss & Life Transition. https://www.centerforloss.com/2025/05/ask-dr-wolfelt-are-griefbursts-normal/